Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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