If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
