my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
