just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize