A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
