So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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