ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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