I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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