There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
