I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
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