What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
