got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
