Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
