My sheets look like a crime scene.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im about as happy as oj after his trial
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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