dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
