We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So many bounce houses so little time
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize