Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
