Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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