The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
