I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
