Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize