He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
