i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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