saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
