Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He shit in the fireplace
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
