i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
