my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
