we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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