I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
