dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
