she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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