i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
