We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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