so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I will be naked everywhere
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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