Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
