Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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