Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
