She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
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