her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
