Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
