I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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