Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
