Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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