I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
