u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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