If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Still dying that you shit outside
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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