so that wasnt chicken after all
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
