there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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