So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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