i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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