Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
