Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize