this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's never too late to be topless.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
