So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
