you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
