The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
