halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
