I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
