she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
